Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Butt naked and blue - but who really cares?

Up on The Punch today, my thoughts on the proposed x-ray airport scanners and people perving on my bald blue bits.

If you're swinging by the Punch, also check out David Penberthy's sex doll piece, I nearly died laughing at it.

Having survived the recession, swine-flu and my affair with Tiger Woods, it chills me to find out there’s a new threat - airport scanners.

Now, I’m used to scanners. Used to queuing for ages behind people who empty their pockets only when they get to the scanning belt. Used to my (completely non-metallic) shoes setting off the alarms. I’m used to getting through and then being stopped for an explosives scan because I just love being scanned that much.

But these new scanners, recent coverage suggests, are different. A perversion of the metal scanner I know and love.

These scanners emit x-rays that pass through my clothes and then flash up a monochromatic image of me, denuded of clothes and hair, for security officials to leer and peer at my bits.

But its not just lascivious guards I need to worry about, I’m told. They could cause huge delays I have to pay for, according to The Australian.

They could possibly be called child pornography, says News.com.au. Images could be hacked via wifi, reports the Sydney Morning Herald, or in just 2-3 hours a skilled person with the right technology could re-generate the images of me based on the gamma rays. Gamma rays! Imagine that!

But really, why would they bother?

All this frothing about hackers desperate to ogle my genitalia ignores one basic fact there are already genitals on the internet. And they look far better than mine. In full colour and on full display, its called pornography and, according to the hit musical Avenue Q, its what the internet is for.

Honestly, who wants to see my blurred blue bald bits when they could watch proper porn? Why would they browse static images of what looks like an overweight mole when they could be viewing the full-colour animated antics of buffed bronzed professionals? I doubt that my bits have that big an appeal, even if they are pleasantly rendered in a flattering turquoise trim.

If blue bits are really their thing, I’m sure there’s Smurf pornography available and that someone, somewhere has already made a naked homage to Avatar.

Does anyone anywhere get off on these blurred x-rays? And if people want access to intimate images, surely everyone knows the best way to see peoples rude bits is to Facebook-friend them and browse their photos.

And, while some articles complain the technology is invasive, several say it doesn’t go far enough. It can’t find items stored in body cavities, they complain, that needs a more intimate check. My fellow passengers could have cocaine-covered explosive machetes in every nook and crevice and Ill never know.

Or not. Look, could we please stop giving the security guards ideas about rubber gloves, and take this advance for what it is - an easier way to perform a security check reasonably quickly.

If it works, they have my full permission to ogle my outline. Hell, they can draw glasses and a moustache on my bits while I’m there if it gets me on the plane faster. I’ll spell encouraging messages on my bum in tinfoil to brighten their day - “Gr8 job” and “Lookin’ good”. I'll even pose for the camera.

Just don’t expect my bits to look good.