Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Get Out of F*cking Bed - cross-posted from my Boomerang Blog

I posted  last year about the expletive-laden bedtime book that leaked as a pirated PDF and sold more than 100,000 copies in pre-orders, “Go the F**k to Sleep“.

The brainchild of  novelist and toddler parent, Adam Mansbach, this book contrasts sweet nursery rhymes about animals and heart-warming illustrations by Ricardo Cortes with the exhausted profanity of a parent who is clearly hitting the end of their tether trying to establish a sleeping routine.

One mate said she found the book very funny but she’d like to see a version for the parents of teenage kids who, far from sleeping too little, can’t be hauled out of bed in the mornings without the aid of a forklift and twenty bottles of Coke. “Parents of teenagers who are still up and wandering around the kitchen at 1am, and then like dead logs when you attempt to drag them out of bed for school in the morning, would certainly love to see this book redone for teenagers.”

So I took a shot at it. For those of you who want to read such things (and don't read beyond this point if you would rather not see a LOT of swearing) I give you “Get Out of F***ing Bed”.

This is what I came up with, but I’m sure there are plenty of talented poets out there who can add their own experiences and stick them in a nifty rhyme. Feel free to compose your own verses, and leave them in the comments for people giggle at. Lots of strong language lies ahead, if that’s not your thing, please don’t read on past this point!


Get Out of F**king Bed

Your breakfast is on the table
And there’s fresh tea in your cup.
We’re leaving in 10 minutes
Why aren’t you fucking up?

The morning has dawned bright and new
And the sun shines in blue skies.
Your alarm went off, I heard it blare
Don’t tell me fucking lies.

The rain has washed the night away and
The breeze is fresh and cool.
If you were making toast at 1am
You can get your ass to school.

A brand new day is waiting.
It’s time to raise your head.
No, you haven’t got a temperature;
Get out of fucking bed.

The postman smiles as he does his rounds
And the joggers are getting fit.
No, your teacher won’t be late today.
Get up, stop talking shit.

Birds sing joyfully in the trees
And we need to be afar.
We have to work to buy your food.
Get into the fucking car.

For teenagers are bloody expensive
And their mums and dads need their pay
Don’t look so surprised that we have to leave the house
When it happens every fucking day.


This is an entry from my Boomerang Books blog, you can find this post (and lots of other ones with a bit far swearing) at their website. It's updated about twice weekly, and I don't generally cross-post to here.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Sticking your nose in - when it's a good thing

Darling Harbour - nice, but not for swimming. (WikiCommons:Adam.J.W.C)
So, today's adventure involved P (aka He Who Married Me Last Month) and I pulling some poor (probably) drunk and very distressed girl out of Darling Harbour's waters about 30m away from 2 buses full of people who sat and watched.

We were at Star City Wharf sitting on a tour bus, one of two packed with people, and saw a girl walk across the road and jump neatly into the water. We couldn't see into the water but we could see all the surrounding wharves. Some nearby people (friends?) came over and pointed and laughed, and a jogger stopped, said something and ran on. No one threw in the nearby life buoy. We figured she was okay and doing something stupid and would be out soon. Her friends(?) stayed there, pointing and giggling, but it became apparent they were really, really out of it - falling down drunk, probably.

A couple of minutes later she hadn't emerged and we decided to take a look and just at this point the buses decided they were revving up to  go. P went over and looked down into the water and found her severely distressed and crying and clinging to a grip at the edge. The gap between the water level and the wharves was about 3-4 feet - too far for someone to get out on their own steam, and there were no steps.

P had to guide her to swim around to a lower spot where we - and a nearby security guard who had come out of Star City to look at what was happening - managed to haul her the few feet from the water and on to dry land. She was cold to touch, and throwing up a little water (the water there is pretty filthy from boats) and when we got her out she just collasped and wheezed on the wharf, too incoherent to answer questions. Another guard came over to help and we left her there with them, after calling the police (our tour bus driver was getting pretty angst-y at this point - I'm not sure he spotted her jumping in and as far as he was concerned we were holding up things).

Afterwards a few people on the bus asked us what had happened and it now sounds like she may have been trying to get away from the two people following her. She had no hand bag, no jewelery; it was 8am and she was still in nice night out clothes.

I'm aware that tweeting it after may have made it sound more heroic than it was (sorry lads!). All we did was help lift a girl from the water and make sure that she was in safe hands after. The police haven't called back so as far as we know, she is fine. I am also aware that I should have probably specified that everything was okay after as you lot are all nice people who worry about stuff like this, going on the responses I got.

Which is a bit different to the responses that she got today. Whether she jumped in for fun, for a bet, as something worse, whatever; it may have started harmless but within a few minutes she was clearly in trouble and two buses nearly drove off and left her. The Bystander effect - or Genovese syndrome  - suggests that as the numbers of bystanders increase in an emergency, the less likely it is that someone will offer help. "This happens because as the number of bystanders increases, any given bystander is less likely to notice the incident, less likely to interpret the incident as a problem,and less likely to assume responsibility for taking action."

I am convinced the bystander effect should be taught in schools (along with Milgram's electric shock experiment, but that's a story for another day). I figure most of you know this already but please remember, if a situation is going bad and there are lot of people looking at it, that doesn't mean anyone is actually doing anything to make it better. Be that squeaky, meddling, nosey wheel. Sometimes you'll feel like a complete tool but when it's needed, it's really needed.

And, on a side note, P's weight lifting skillz are seriously good. :D

Monday, August 13, 2012

For those of you here via my Fat Chick's Guide to the Couch to 5k here's a bit of an update on my running - the program did get me there without exploding my prostate or patella, and I can particularly recommend making sure you have good shoes and cooling clothes to back you up if you decide to go for it. I'm normally doing 5kms jogs/runs these days.

Weddings! Now being blamed for my lack of fitness!
Well, I say normally but what with Sydney's inclement winter (yes, 10C or 50F can feel cold, stop laughing) and my recent wedding I haven't been hitting the road as often or as hard as normal. The spirit is willing but the flesh, frankly, has got used to drinking hot chocolate on the couch when the rain starts. Which means I have picked a pretty bad time to be emboldened by the lack of exploding body parts and to enter the 9km Sydney Running Festival Bridge Run in mid September.

This will be a bit of a challenge. I have never broken the 7km mark and that was on a treadmill. I'm not a fan of hill-running, and the course has several steepish ones. I am, at best, a plodder and Sydney's runners are notoriously fast and impatient. And it's at 9am in the morning when I am normally doing my much celebrated stoned-tree-sloth impersonation and the only running involved normally is that of a nice hot shower before coffee. In short, this is not in my comfort zone by several kilometres or hours.

So I am viewing this race as a wonderful way to focus the mind on getting fit, in much the same way suddenly needing to escape charging bull is an excellent opportunity to work on my sprinting speed and hurdling.

Watch this space. :D